


A Walk Down Memory Lane

by Ninarweems



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Character Death, Concerned Sam Winchester, Depression, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-28
Updated: 2017-12-28
Packaged: 2019-02-23 06:09:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13183986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ninarweems/pseuds/Ninarweems
Summary: Dean remembers the best night of his life.





	A Walk Down Memory Lane

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry.

TW: Thoughts of suicide and self-worth issues

Dean hadn't left his room in weeks. Sam stopped by of course, but to no avail. As far as Dean was concerned, his life was over. His current plan was to just rot, confined to those four walls. Why should he care? Why should he try? It never worked anyway. 

It had been three weeks to the day since he'd lost Cas. The worst three weeks of his entire life, and he'd been to Hell. It started with the drinking. He'd drunk himself to stupor every day and night for the first week. Even that wouldn't keep his nightmares at bay. They creeped into the darkness of his mind and played on repeat. He could hear Cas' last breath. He could see those bright orbs fade from burning azure to a dull cloud. He watched as Cas' life force drained from his body. He sat and watched because there was nothing else he could do. 

He always woke from those dreams in a cold sweat, tears spilling from his eyes as he sobbed into his pillow. 

The second week was anger. He was angry at the world, at himself, at Castiel. He cursed, he threw things, he even prayed to the God he knew wasn't listening. He begged, he bargained, he did every thing to try and bring Cas back. None of it worked. 

And here he was, the third week had come and still nothing had changed. He was slowly killing himself. And he was okay with that. His death meant nothing, even he knew that. The only person alive to mourn him was Sam, and he'd be fine without his older brother. Hell, he could lead a normal life if he wanted. 

Dean knew his time was almost up, and he wasn't even sad. 

He'd tried doing it himself, but he never could pull the trigger. Maybe it was because he didn't really want to die, maybe it was because he thought it was the cowards way. Deep down, he knew it was because Cas would be disappointed. Cas would never forgive him. 

So he gave up. No harm, no foul right?

Dean spread out on his bed, the silence surrounding him. Unfortunately he was sober, having run out of liquor in his room days ago. He stared at the ceiling until he could make shapes out of the cracks. He was content to lay there forever but a noise brought him back to his reality. 

Dean walked to his door to see if he could make it out better. His breath caught in his throat. He'd know that sound from anywhere. 

Dean threw his door open and rushed down the hall until he reached the library. 

There. That's where the sound was coming from. The sound of home. 

Cas' laughter. 

Dean rounded the corner and froze. 

Sam stood in the center of the dark room. Cas was nowhere to be seen. Wait, that wasn't true. Behind Sam was a large projector. A white sheet was hung on one of the walls and when Dean looked, he nearly wept. 

Cas' smiling face took up the entire makeshift screen. Dean watched as Castiel threw his head back and laughed at something Sam had said off camera. 

The camera zoomed out and Dean immediately recognized what was going on. Months back, the boys had had a weekend off. It was rare and they decided to make the most of it. Several drinks later and they were all fairly drunk. Cas had the bright idea of playing a childhood game. Twister was his favorite game so that's what they played. 

Sam had been the spinner, leaving Cas and Dean to drunkenly contort their bodies. 

Dean sank down into the nearest chair and watched as Castiel tried to place his right hand on yellow. Unfortunately, in his drunken state all he managed to do was face plant onto the slippery paper, dragging Dean down with him. Dean had landed on top. 

Cas and Dean didn't move, even after their laughter died down. Dean remembered that moment perfectly. He remembered looking down and seeing the pure joy etched onto Castiel's beautiful face. He remembered the gummy smile that adorned the man's plush lips, the ones that looked chapped and absolutely delectable. He remembered the way Cas' breath tickled his neck as his laughter died down. But most of all, he remembered the overwhelming feeling of love that filled his body. 

That night, Dean had taken Cas back to his room and neither left until Dean knew that Cas' lips tasted like mint and that he was ticklish around his upper thigh. 

That was their one and only night together, and Dean cherished the memory. 

The video playing came to an end and Dean looked up. Sam was nowhere to be seen. It was then that Dean noticed his vision was blurry. Tears ran down his cheeks as he restarted the video. 

Dean watched it five times before he went back to his room. He didn't see Sam on his way, but he kind of wished he had. He missed him. 

When Dean reached his room, he walked to his bed and knelt down. He felt around until he produced around box. He took and deep breath before opening the cardboard container. 

Sitting inside, neatly folded, was Castiel's trench coat. Dean couldn't bring himself to leave it behind when he lost the man he loved. 

Dean rummaged through the box. He found Castiel's fake FBI badge. There was a pair of black socks with bee prints. Those made him chuckle. Cas loved his bees. 

He went through the box for an hour before deciding to sleep. Dean crawled in bed and wrapped himself in the tan trench coat. It still smelled like Cas. 

Dean fell asleep and dreamed of being wrapped in the warm embrace of the love of his life. 

When he woke the next morning, Dean took a deep breath and stepped out of his room to brace the world for the first time in three weeks.

**Author's Note:**

> Please don't hate me! Thank you for reading.
> 
> Love,
> 
> Nina Weems


End file.
